Job Wishing

I may have mentioned before about how I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. This is a very true statement and something I have really been battling with on a daily basis. I space out a lot now, and during those times I am thinking of all the things I want to do, how I can get there, how I don't have money to get there, if I'm even sure about wanting to get there. Let me lay this out for you...before you get all sappy and trying to give me encouragement and advice, I really just need to get this off my chest. I don't really want suggestions about what to do with my career or lack thereof. I don't want to hear the sentiments about me being successful and a great person and that all things will fall into place. I just want to bitch for a minute or ten. And I know I need to list things I have accomplished to make myself feel better so I will.

Things I HAVE done.

Graduated high school and college with honors

Gotten a breast reduction

Ran a half marathon

Been to China

Lived on my own for the past 7 months

Fallen in love again

Become an aunt...not on my own accord obviously

...and that's all I can think of for now.

What I am mostly upset about is the fact that I have been out of college for a year and still have not found a job I am interested in. I don't even think I want to do what I actually studied. I don't know what I want to do though. Everything I am interested in takes years of school and lots of money. I have too many interests to be happy in one career. I wake up every morning and have my breakfast and tea, and then maybe work out. I hang out with Zach or Christina when I can..or when they are free. I'm bored for the majority of my day. I read more than I ever have. And as much free time as I have I am not motivated to do anything for most of the day. I work on Tues Thurs and Sun which is just part of the motions now.

I ran into an old friend of mine the other day. There were 4 of us all together talking.....three of them are going out of the country for a year. I wasn't part of that three. I felt awful. I feel so stupid for have wasting time in college. I mean great...I have a degree that hasn't gotten me anything. I didn't even get my job based on that. I had open availability so I was an instant hire.

Most days I wake up and am not sure what for. I sleep till eleven a lot which is not like me at all. I used to always wake up at nine and accomplish so much before noon even hit. Granted nowadays I stay up till like two. My most recent accomplishment was organizing my spice rack and finishing all seasons of Desperate Housewives. I don't have much that I am passionate about anymore. Well I do, but I can't get paid for those things. I don't know what I think measures success...is it happiness? Is it money? Is it wisdom? Is it love? Is it anything?

Anyway, sorry for the long blog that probably depressed a few people. Thanks for listening if you did.