Trapped

I have been feeling this way for a while, and it comes in spurts. Maybe I just can’t be happy, or maybe I have always known I am meant for bigger and better things. I remember in high school I couldn’t wait to get out and move away. I was thinking Colorado or Carolina for school. I was going to be so much more than I was. I was leaving. Then, I was hindered from that. I was actually accepted at the school I wanted, but my parents said there was no way to afford it. They didn’t even look for options. So, I ended up in Murfreesboro, a town I hated. I would have gone to Cookeville, but everyone was going there. I wanted to be different, and take more art classes than they offered. So I ended up here pursuing a degree that would ultimately be useless. I was one of 4 people from my high school in this town. At the time, I was happy because I was free from my parents. I had my own place and I was getting to know all about me for once. Then I graduated and here I am 2 years after graduation. I work at a coffee shop while I “figure out what to do next.” I have been trying to figure out what to do next for a while, and there are no doors opening. It makes me wonder if I am going to be stuck here forever. Now more than ever I actually like going home because it gets me out of here. I am happier living in Murfreesboro than I would be in Carthage. I know that, only because there are more ways to keep busy in the boro.

I really feel trapped here though. I mean, lets bunch everything together like women do. I have been wanting to get out of here, TN, for well since high school. I am still here. The way to get out would be to either pack up and move, get a job and move, get a job in Nashville and then transfer. None of those are very feasible. Sadly, it is mostly because of my car. I can’t afford a new car and the one I have doesn’t make it on daily trips to Nashville. I tried that for 3 months and tore the engine up, which I can’t afford to fix. In order to maintain a job/internship in Nashville I need to move there. I can’t move there till April. I can’t move anywhere till April (lease.) So lets say I get a job and need to move to Nashville. I can’t afford to live there until I have some money saved from said new job, but I can’t make it to said job to make said money because my car is a piece of shit. I know that sounds stupid, but it’s true. The repairs needed on my car are over a grand. My car is worth maybe 1500. That just seems dumb to attempt fixing. I love my little car. She got me to a lot of places, but now she is definitely inhibiting me.

I really do feel like I am going to be serving coffee and babysitting for the rest of my life. I see people my age actually doing things with their degrees. I watch mine disappear in thin air. I regret my degree so much. I wish I would have traveled for a year and then gone to school. I wish my parents would have encouraged me to actually try to be a doctor or a vet or to travel. I wish they would have tried to pay for school somewhere else. I know they were trying to support my love of photography, but it took them saying no to med school and everything else for me to finally decide photography would be good. And here it is, worth nothing to me now. I love pictures. I love taking my camera and using my talent, but so does everyone else.

I want to act, which is going to be just as hard to get into, but maybe there is a chance. I really need to get an agent for that…and I just haven’t researched enough. I guess I just wonder when a sense of direction will come about. And maybe all this is on hold because I have to find out where to live. Maybe I will vacation in San Francisco in October and land a job while I am there and then all of my prayers will be answered. Maybe I will hate it and decide to become a little farmwife in the hills of TN. Who the heck knows? I do know that I am sad and angry and belittled and tired and empty and trapped. I really hate seeing other people get handed their life in a golden envelope while I kind of get shit on. Then I wonder…am I asking for it? Am I going to always be unhappy with my career or lack thereof? Am I always going to feel like I have no clue what I want? Because I have no desire for one particular thing which is why I love the idea of acting. I have sooo many interests. I don’t care about the money all that much, a little of course. Will I always see the negatives more? I just hate this feeling. I am soo ready for a new beginning.

I am a little angry I guess. With a lot of things. I wish I could just yell at everyone and get it out there, but then they would not be hurt, only changed. And maybe I need to be changed. Maybe someone needs to yell at me. Or maybe someone needs to give me a break.

Projects....a little too many

I am the epitome of the worst blogger. I read all of yours, but I never write my own. I have a little post it note here on my computer to remind me of what the topic for each day is, and it's telling me that today is when I am supposed to update you on my projects.
Let's see...what do I have going on here. I am working on Christina and Sam Herron's wedding photos. They should be done by the beginning of next week. I will then continue working on the family album for the Woodard's. After that is done, I am hoping to work more on my 50's shoot featuring a day at the pool.  Next Wednesday I will finally be able to work on my car and hopefully she will work better for a while. I guess that is about all for now. Not too many things of importance going on.

Vinegar...and not the chips

I love love love love vinegar. I may have written this before, but it is one of my favorite household staples. Vinegar has so many uses and it is way less harmful than bleach and other chemicals. I mean you can consume this with no harm to your body.

The top uses I have for vinegar are:

Sanitizing: 1/2 water and 1/2 vinegar in a spray bottle works wonders on kitchen and bathroom surfaces...including floors. In case my nephews decide to lick my floors..which you would be surprised how often that comes up....I don't have to worry about them licking up ammonia.

Windows: I use the same solution as above for my windows and it cleans streak free.

Bug repellent: I take one shot of vinegar a day  to every other day in the summers. I swear to you that it works. I didn't have hardly any bug bites last year. It burns a little, but it is sooo worth it.

I know there are so many more uses for it, but those are my top three. Try them and let me know what you think.

Funny Story-Jes, you will appreciate this

While I was working yet another tiring shift at work this morning, lunchtime arrived. We always get a pretty good after church crowd, and I saw this pastor walk in. I had attended his church for a few weeks after I met him at the coffee shop. It was an odd meeting actually. He was upset because it was an extremely busy day and it was taking too long to get his order. It really was, he was totally legit in being angry. I recognized him because Zach had brought this newspaper home with an ad about this church. The ad was extremely dramatic, but interesting so we looked up the website and saw some videos. I ended up asking the guy if he was the pastor of that church, and he got totally embarrassed about being upset. I was not judging or implying anything when I asked him, but it was kinda funny. Anyhow, we got to talking about church and all that. He seemed to have some awesome ideas for how the church is actually supposed to be. So, Zach and I went a few times. It was ok. It was small and churchy. I can handle that just fine. There was one Sunday in particular though that the pastor made the congregation feel guilty for not singing. No offense, but I don't always like to sing in church, never have really. Besides that one awkward Sunday, no one really made an effort to get to know us. I had a few guys talk to me when I went alone the first time, but when I brought Zach no one talked to us. It was just annoying and typical. I felt like I was in high school, but at least I knew the pastor right? Nope...he didn't even recognize me. Not the first time that has happened. However; today when he came into the shop he recognized me right away as the girl he had talked to before. He still had no recollection of me ever attending his church. I even talked to him once at the church.

I was kind of hoping he wouldn't remember me, because I did not want to get into why I wasn't coming to church anymore. But, it kind of hurt more and reiterated why I don't go to church when he didn't remember me ever coming at all. This has happened to me more than once where I leave a church and not a soul ever checks in with me. They may hear through the grapevine, but they never really check in on me. That hurts more when it was a church I was extremely involved with. Anyhow, that is all one big reason I do not go to church anymore. That sense of family is not there. I get that more with the people I work with, the family I do have, and the friends I have made.

Another project, but it's something I love

I LOVE thrifting. While was out at my favorite shop the other day I decided on another project. I was looking through the brick and brack section and found the dishes section. I was thinking how cool it would be to have mismatched fine china instead of registering for it when I got married one day. I asked Zach, potential husband, what he thought about it. He loved the idea, or rather supported another ridiculous project of mine. So I began. I bought a few pieces that day. I plan on setting up 10-12 place settings with all different patterns, not one alike. Zach thinks this is a little excessive to not have even two matching dishes, but he thinks that of all my projects. I will gather from thrift stores, antique stores, yard sales, and from friends or family getting rid of some. I love to know that there are stories behind each set. Someone in love years and years ago decided to register for a specific pattern. So here are the few that I have found so far.

Soooooo busy

Well not really....it's just work. On my off time though, once cleaning and grocery shopping is done, I take time to work on my movie project and catch up on tv shows. I am currently continuing my addictions of Grey's, Private Practice, Desperate Housewives, Glee, the Bachelor, and Brothers and Sisters. How sad is all that? I am also working on my movie project. This weekend I am going to see Tron and True Grit. I spent the cold day inside watching Across the Universe and Seven Wives for Seven Brothers. I am completely behind on photo stuff, but I did finally finish the engagement photos of Christina and Justin. And here are some of those:

Home Projects:

I wanted to give a quick update on some home projects I have finished.


I have finally bought my new shower curtain!

And I FINALLY bought a frame for this awesome poster. I couldn't wait to get it up, and I did it all by myself!

Projects for my apt in the works:

Get a bedskirt, new sheets, extra pillows and cases
Reupholster desk chair and pad the seat
Make bookshelves
Find/build side table for bed