I have been feeling this way for a while, and it comes in
spurts. Maybe I just can’t be happy, or maybe I have always known I am meant
for bigger and better things. I remember in high school I couldn’t wait to get
out and move away. I was thinking Colorado or Carolina for school. I was going
to be so much more than I was. I was leaving. Then, I was hindered from that. I
was actually accepted at the school I wanted, but my parents said there was no
way to afford it. They didn’t even look for options. So, I ended up in
Murfreesboro, a town I hated. I would have gone to Cookeville, but everyone was
going there. I wanted to be different, and take more art classes than they offered. So I ended up
here pursuing a degree that would ultimately be useless. I was one of 4 people
from my high school in this town. At the time, I was happy because I was free
from my parents. I had my own place and I was getting to know all about me for
once. Then I graduated and here I am 2 years after graduation. I work at a coffee shop
while I “figure out what to do next.” I have been trying to figure out what to
do next for a while, and there are no doors opening. It makes me wonder if I am
going to be stuck here forever. Now more than ever I actually like going home
because it gets me out of here. I am happier living in Murfreesboro than I
would be in Carthage. I know that, only because there are more ways to keep
busy in the boro.
I really feel trapped here though. I mean, lets bunch
everything together like women do. I have been wanting to get out of here, TN,
for well since high school. I am still here. The way to get out would be to
either pack up and move, get a job and move, get a job in Nashville and then
transfer. None of those are very feasible. Sadly, it is mostly because of my car.
I can’t afford a new car and the one I have doesn’t make it on daily trips to
Nashville. I tried that for 3 months and tore the engine up, which I can’t
afford to fix. In order to maintain a job/internship in Nashville I need to
move there. I can’t move there till April. I can’t move anywhere till April
(lease.) So lets say I get a job and need to move to Nashville. I can’t afford
to live there until I have some money saved from said new job, but I can’t make
it to said job to make said money because my car is a piece of shit. I know
that sounds stupid, but it’s true. The repairs needed on my car are over a
grand. My car is worth maybe 1500. That just seems dumb to attempt fixing. I
love my little car. She got me to a lot of places, but now she is definitely
inhibiting me.
I really do feel like I am going to be serving coffee and
babysitting for the rest of my life. I see people my age actually doing things
with their degrees. I watch mine disappear in thin air. I regret my degree so
much. I wish I would have traveled for a year and then gone to school. I wish
my parents would have encouraged me to actually try to be a doctor or a vet or
to travel. I wish they would have tried to pay for school somewhere else. I
know they were trying to support my love of photography, but it took them
saying no to med school and everything else for me to finally decide
photography would be good. And here it is, worth nothing to me now. I love
pictures. I love taking my camera and using my talent, but so does everyone
else.
I want to act, which is going to be just as hard to get
into, but maybe there is a chance. I really need to get an agent for that…and I
just haven’t researched enough. I guess I just wonder when a sense of direction
will come about. And maybe all this is on hold because I have to find out where
to live. Maybe I will vacation in San Francisco in October and land a job while
I am there and then all of my prayers will be answered. Maybe I will hate it
and decide to become a little farmwife in the hills of TN. Who the heck knows? I
do know that I am sad and angry and belittled and tired and empty and trapped.
I really hate seeing other people get handed their life in a golden envelope
while I kind of get shit on. Then I wonder…am I asking for it? Am I going to
always be unhappy with my career or lack thereof? Am I always going to feel
like I have no clue what I want? Because I have no desire for one particular
thing which is why I love the idea of acting. I have sooo many interests. I
don’t care about the money all that much, a little of course. Will I always see
the negatives more? I just hate this feeling. I am soo ready for a new
beginning.
I am a
little angry I guess. With a lot of things. I wish I could just yell at
everyone and get it out there, but then they would not be hurt, only changed.
And maybe I need to be changed. Maybe someone needs to yell at me. Or maybe
someone needs to give me a break.
