Trapped

I have been feeling this way for a while, and it comes in spurts. Maybe I just can’t be happy, or maybe I have always known I am meant for bigger and better things. I remember in high school I couldn’t wait to get out and move away. I was thinking Colorado or Carolina for school. I was going to be so much more than I was. I was leaving. Then, I was hindered from that. I was actually accepted at the school I wanted, but my parents said there was no way to afford it. They didn’t even look for options. So, I ended up in Murfreesboro, a town I hated. I would have gone to Cookeville, but everyone was going there. I wanted to be different, and take more art classes than they offered. So I ended up here pursuing a degree that would ultimately be useless. I was one of 4 people from my high school in this town. At the time, I was happy because I was free from my parents. I had my own place and I was getting to know all about me for once. Then I graduated and here I am 2 years after graduation. I work at a coffee shop while I “figure out what to do next.” I have been trying to figure out what to do next for a while, and there are no doors opening. It makes me wonder if I am going to be stuck here forever. Now more than ever I actually like going home because it gets me out of here. I am happier living in Murfreesboro than I would be in Carthage. I know that, only because there are more ways to keep busy in the boro.

I really feel trapped here though. I mean, lets bunch everything together like women do. I have been wanting to get out of here, TN, for well since high school. I am still here. The way to get out would be to either pack up and move, get a job and move, get a job in Nashville and then transfer. None of those are very feasible. Sadly, it is mostly because of my car. I can’t afford a new car and the one I have doesn’t make it on daily trips to Nashville. I tried that for 3 months and tore the engine up, which I can’t afford to fix. In order to maintain a job/internship in Nashville I need to move there. I can’t move there till April. I can’t move anywhere till April (lease.) So lets say I get a job and need to move to Nashville. I can’t afford to live there until I have some money saved from said new job, but I can’t make it to said job to make said money because my car is a piece of shit. I know that sounds stupid, but it’s true. The repairs needed on my car are over a grand. My car is worth maybe 1500. That just seems dumb to attempt fixing. I love my little car. She got me to a lot of places, but now she is definitely inhibiting me.

I really do feel like I am going to be serving coffee and babysitting for the rest of my life. I see people my age actually doing things with their degrees. I watch mine disappear in thin air. I regret my degree so much. I wish I would have traveled for a year and then gone to school. I wish my parents would have encouraged me to actually try to be a doctor or a vet or to travel. I wish they would have tried to pay for school somewhere else. I know they were trying to support my love of photography, but it took them saying no to med school and everything else for me to finally decide photography would be good. And here it is, worth nothing to me now. I love pictures. I love taking my camera and using my talent, but so does everyone else.

I want to act, which is going to be just as hard to get into, but maybe there is a chance. I really need to get an agent for that…and I just haven’t researched enough. I guess I just wonder when a sense of direction will come about. And maybe all this is on hold because I have to find out where to live. Maybe I will vacation in San Francisco in October and land a job while I am there and then all of my prayers will be answered. Maybe I will hate it and decide to become a little farmwife in the hills of TN. Who the heck knows? I do know that I am sad and angry and belittled and tired and empty and trapped. I really hate seeing other people get handed their life in a golden envelope while I kind of get shit on. Then I wonder…am I asking for it? Am I going to always be unhappy with my career or lack thereof? Am I always going to feel like I have no clue what I want? Because I have no desire for one particular thing which is why I love the idea of acting. I have sooo many interests. I don’t care about the money all that much, a little of course. Will I always see the negatives more? I just hate this feeling. I am soo ready for a new beginning.

I am a little angry I guess. With a lot of things. I wish I could just yell at everyone and get it out there, but then they would not be hurt, only changed. And maybe I need to be changed. Maybe someone needs to yell at me. Or maybe someone needs to give me a break.

Projects....a little too many

I am the epitome of the worst blogger. I read all of yours, but I never write my own. I have a little post it note here on my computer to remind me of what the topic for each day is, and it's telling me that today is when I am supposed to update you on my projects.
Let's see...what do I have going on here. I am working on Christina and Sam Herron's wedding photos. They should be done by the beginning of next week. I will then continue working on the family album for the Woodard's. After that is done, I am hoping to work more on my 50's shoot featuring a day at the pool.  Next Wednesday I will finally be able to work on my car and hopefully she will work better for a while. I guess that is about all for now. Not too many things of importance going on.

Vinegar...and not the chips

I love love love love vinegar. I may have written this before, but it is one of my favorite household staples. Vinegar has so many uses and it is way less harmful than bleach and other chemicals. I mean you can consume this with no harm to your body.

The top uses I have for vinegar are:

Sanitizing: 1/2 water and 1/2 vinegar in a spray bottle works wonders on kitchen and bathroom surfaces...including floors. In case my nephews decide to lick my floors..which you would be surprised how often that comes up....I don't have to worry about them licking up ammonia.

Windows: I use the same solution as above for my windows and it cleans streak free.

Bug repellent: I take one shot of vinegar a day  to every other day in the summers. I swear to you that it works. I didn't have hardly any bug bites last year. It burns a little, but it is sooo worth it.

I know there are so many more uses for it, but those are my top three. Try them and let me know what you think.

Funny Story-Jes, you will appreciate this

While I was working yet another tiring shift at work this morning, lunchtime arrived. We always get a pretty good after church crowd, and I saw this pastor walk in. I had attended his church for a few weeks after I met him at the coffee shop. It was an odd meeting actually. He was upset because it was an extremely busy day and it was taking too long to get his order. It really was, he was totally legit in being angry. I recognized him because Zach had brought this newspaper home with an ad about this church. The ad was extremely dramatic, but interesting so we looked up the website and saw some videos. I ended up asking the guy if he was the pastor of that church, and he got totally embarrassed about being upset. I was not judging or implying anything when I asked him, but it was kinda funny. Anyhow, we got to talking about church and all that. He seemed to have some awesome ideas for how the church is actually supposed to be. So, Zach and I went a few times. It was ok. It was small and churchy. I can handle that just fine. There was one Sunday in particular though that the pastor made the congregation feel guilty for not singing. No offense, but I don't always like to sing in church, never have really. Besides that one awkward Sunday, no one really made an effort to get to know us. I had a few guys talk to me when I went alone the first time, but when I brought Zach no one talked to us. It was just annoying and typical. I felt like I was in high school, but at least I knew the pastor right? Nope...he didn't even recognize me. Not the first time that has happened. However; today when he came into the shop he recognized me right away as the girl he had talked to before. He still had no recollection of me ever attending his church. I even talked to him once at the church.

I was kind of hoping he wouldn't remember me, because I did not want to get into why I wasn't coming to church anymore. But, it kind of hurt more and reiterated why I don't go to church when he didn't remember me ever coming at all. This has happened to me more than once where I leave a church and not a soul ever checks in with me. They may hear through the grapevine, but they never really check in on me. That hurts more when it was a church I was extremely involved with. Anyhow, that is all one big reason I do not go to church anymore. That sense of family is not there. I get that more with the people I work with, the family I do have, and the friends I have made.

Another project, but it's something I love

I LOVE thrifting. While was out at my favorite shop the other day I decided on another project. I was looking through the brick and brack section and found the dishes section. I was thinking how cool it would be to have mismatched fine china instead of registering for it when I got married one day. I asked Zach, potential husband, what he thought about it. He loved the idea, or rather supported another ridiculous project of mine. So I began. I bought a few pieces that day. I plan on setting up 10-12 place settings with all different patterns, not one alike. Zach thinks this is a little excessive to not have even two matching dishes, but he thinks that of all my projects. I will gather from thrift stores, antique stores, yard sales, and from friends or family getting rid of some. I love to know that there are stories behind each set. Someone in love years and years ago decided to register for a specific pattern. So here are the few that I have found so far.

Soooooo busy

Well not really....it's just work. On my off time though, once cleaning and grocery shopping is done, I take time to work on my movie project and catch up on tv shows. I am currently continuing my addictions of Grey's, Private Practice, Desperate Housewives, Glee, the Bachelor, and Brothers and Sisters. How sad is all that? I am also working on my movie project. This weekend I am going to see Tron and True Grit. I spent the cold day inside watching Across the Universe and Seven Wives for Seven Brothers. I am completely behind on photo stuff, but I did finally finish the engagement photos of Christina and Justin. And here are some of those:

Home Projects:

I wanted to give a quick update on some home projects I have finished.


I have finally bought my new shower curtain!

And I FINALLY bought a frame for this awesome poster. I couldn't wait to get it up, and I did it all by myself!

Projects for my apt in the works:

Get a bedskirt, new sheets, extra pillows and cases
Reupholster desk chair and pad the seat
Make bookshelves
Find/build side table for bed

Is she really a boy?

I have been working on my Oscar project: watching all the Oscar Movies, and lately there have been a few Hilary Swank movies. She is a great actress really, but mostly when she is portraying a male. She won for Boys Don't Cry where she cross dressed, was raped repeatedly for doing so, and then was killed in the end for being who she thought she was inside-a boy. Then of course in Million Dollar Baby she was a manly woman training to be a fighter. She died at the end of this movie as well, so maybe the movies she wins Oscars for are the ones that eliminate her in the end. Anyhow, those were both phenomenal movies despite the overwhelming sadness. Sorry I may have spoiled the endings for you all, but they are still worth seeing at least once. 

Noms

Today was the day! The 83rd Oscar nominations were announced today. Go check them out at www.oscars.org.

Coffee Shops

I work at a coffee shop, but I still love every minute of coming in as a customer. I love all coffee shops really. I love the atmosphere, the peace, the quiet, the people. I love how I can come in and just lose myself in a book. I can literally hide behind my computer occasionally looking up to say hello to someone I know. I just get lost in my own little world. I can escape from pretty much anything and just engross myself in books or photo projects. Yes, hmmmmm, coffee shops. I plan on finding a new one in a new city sometime soon.

Buying and Working

Well I didn't get to post yesterday, but as far as my "things I want" goes, a new computer is at the top of that list. I may have said it before, but I plan on getting a macbook pro.

Since that seems to be out of the question, I did a little retail therapy today. I finally purchased some new black flats, a new purple purse, a bathmat, and a really cute skirt. So that is my news for this week and here are some photos of the things I bought today. The skirt is hard to see, but it's so adorable. Everything I bought today was on clearance!!

For my projects update:

I received the first photo book for the Woodards. It turned out wonderfully, and she loved it. So now I have to start on the rest of those. I got a little pushed back on Christina and Justin's engagements, but I plan on having them done by this weekend. I will be editing while watching Grey's Anatomy tonight. And since we all love this man:

...that's all.

The American President

A movie of great lines that was nominated for Original Score in 1995. It is funny to me how this movie is really current even though it is only 15 years old. The topics at hand are still going on, like global warming. The fashion....not so much...but then again blazers and pleated pants are making a comeback. Anyhow, the movie was great. I had always seen bits and pieces of it, but never the whole thing. My first thoughts were that Michael Douglas never ages and Charlie Sheen looks just like his dad, who also doesn't age. Michael J Fox was wonderful and spunky as always. If you haven't seen the movie, rent it. It's a great little romantic comedy, but also very political.



"In this country it is not only permissible to question our leaders, it is our responsibility."

Things I love

I love natural products, and I started eliminating chemicals from my apartment. I don't like they way they smell or clean. It just seems harmful to me. So I started using a vinegar solution. It is just a spray bottle with half water and half white vinegar. I use just a bit of lemon juice to reduce the strong smell. It cleans just as much and the smell is not all chemically. I love that it is safe for me and anyone who comes over, especially my nephews.

Back to Sporadics

Well, my internet is no more, so posting will occur when possible. I will continue to try to update on the regular things. Since I missed Friday I will let you guys know what it was I organized. Sounds fun, eh?

I went to my sister's house this weekend. She and her husband own sheep, and the sheep were all having their lambs this week. Needless to say, with two boys and 11 sheep running around it was a hectic week for them. So on my days off I went to help them out. Zach and I had her make a list of what she needed done and we got to it. Zach organized the bookshelf in the boys room and then moved the old bookshelf into the closet for their clothes. I did laundry and washed windows. I dusted and removed clutter. We did a few more things, but it felt good knowing that we helped them out. They never get the chance to get anything done, but since they were out taking care of the lambs it was easy and fun to surprise them with all we did. Here's to more organizing!

Projects

Here is my weekly update on projects:

Finished the first photo book for the Woodard family and am about to start on the second. Photos are chosen for the book.

First photo shoot for the 50's shoot is done. I did mostly film, but took some digital shots for kicks and updates online. Here are some sneaks of that one.

Lastly...Christina and Justin's engagements. I am going to get done with these before next week's update. That is my goal anyhow. Just a tough shoot to edit. I have everything ready to go except the motivation.

There are some shoes

Since this is buying day...well things I want to buy day...I find it appropriate to speak of shoes. There are few pairs that I want to buy this year. I am sure more will be added at a later date.




These are high up on the list. Cute party shoe but classy enough to wear out more often. Open toe for summer but not strappy so they are suitable for winter.





I also need a pair of black boots with no heel. I want these Coach boots, but I would NEVER spend this much money. I love the look though.

I will also need some new running shoes. I love my current pair but they are getting pretty worn down. I really just want the same pair again. Maybe in a new color.

I could definitely use some new black flats. Mine are pretty worn down from wearing them to work. I like the pointy toe on this one!

And lastly, I just want a good pair of slip on moccasins that I can wear out to get groceries in or go to the mall in. I love slip on shoes. I can't find a picture of the pair I want, but you can imagine. I want some either yellow or with a flower embroidered on the front.

Well enough about shoes that I don't necessarily need.

Movie Time

I watched quite a few movies this week, but I want to talk about Brothers. I watched Brothers with Zach this week and it was not what I expected at all. I thought it was going to be about two brothers who both love the same girl. When one goes off to war and is presumably dead I assumed the other stole the wife. When the hubby comes home alive there is a dispute over it all. Well I was SOOOO wrong about that.

Here is the deal....this movie deals with a very pressing issue in our military--PTSD. The basic premise is that one brother goes off to war and is pronounced dead. As the viewer we know he is really alive. We see the other brother stepping up and becoming a more prominent member of the family. He takes care of his sister in law and her kids. He mans up. Nothing happens except a kiss between the wife and him. They eventually find out that the husband is alive and ok and coming home. Once he returns home he has a hard time adapting. He has fits of rage and at one point tries to kill himself. He also continuously accuses his wife and brother of cheating. All the while wanting to be back in the war.

I really enjoyed this film because it was so important to what is going on. Our military does not have enough doctors to help our soldiers. I read about it all the time, and it saddens me what goes on when our soldiers come home. This movie really puts it in your face. Rent it today..it really is worth it.

SNOW!

For things I love this week is SNOW! It actually snowed a significant amount here this week. What I love sooo much about snow is not necessarily the feel or the beauty of it. I love the SOUND of snow. It's like a vacuum. It's so silent and makes everything still. It makes everything brighter and cleaner. I can just watch the snow fall and listen to the silence of it for hours. It is like everything else that I am stressed about just disappears. And now, it is snowing again. If it would just stay like this all winter I would be a happy girl.

Organize this

In an attempt to better organize my life as 2011 has called for, I started with cleaning out some clothes. Here is a tip you have probably heard. If you haven't worn it in 6 months...get rid of it. So I did...for the most part. Earlier this year I went through my closet and got rid of everything that was old, too big, or just ugly. Now I make it a regular thing. Yes, my closet looks bare, but now I know what I NEED to purchase. So often, I thought I had enough clothes but could never find anything to wear. Well it turned out I hated most of my clothes. Now I have clothes I love and continue to build on that wardrobe. It makes sense to rid all of the things that just take up space. Now I just need to find reasons to wear my cute clothes. I mean, most of the time I am just in work clothes or gym clothes or pajamas. I also organized my closet by style and color. It makes it so much easier to find something that way and so much easier to get rid of things as well. Hope you can take my advice and get rid of that old sweater that you are keeping just because you got it on sale.

Happy Cleaning!

Thursday already forgotten

Ok so of course I forgot to post yesterday...and it's ironic because my post on Thursdays is going to be about ongoing projects...like this blog. For today I will list my projects and the status they are in so I can update about them each week. Maybe this will hold me accountable for them.

• this blog...writing everyday or close to...I am doing well so far and obviously you can see the status of that by reading it. 
• decorating my bathroom: I am still deciding on the shower curtain. I am trying to figure out if I will want to keep that for a while. I don't want to purchase something and then throw it away a year later. 
• Photo projects: family albums for the Woodard's, Christina and Justin's engagement photos, and my 1950s shoot. I have one out of 3 albums done for the Woodard's, halfway done editing the engagements, and still looking for inspiration and models for the 1950s shoot. 
• reading through a huge stack of books
• making enough money to buy a new computer, a new car, and glasses!

So I think that is it for now. Look for the updates every Thursday!

Echo

Wednesdays will hopefully work out to be things I plan on buying/need. It sounds materialistic and it is. There are just some things I plan on saving money for or using gift cards on. I for some reason feel the need to share this with the blogger world. Who knows, maybe you guys can help my find a better deal. For this week I am looking to spend a gift card that I have. I have not decorated my bathroom since I moved into this apartment over a year ago. I have a clear shower curtain and a towel down on the floor for a bath mat. Needless to say, I think it is time to do something. I found this shower curtain in my Real Simple magazine and looked it up online. I am quite smitten with all the things from this site but particularly love this shower curtain. Here is the curtain and the link to the website.

http://www.echodesign.com

Movies

I have made it a thing to watch Oscar movies the last few years. I print off the list and then watch the movies that were up for nominations. I actually have a book of the first 80 years of the Academy Awards. Film is becoming more and more important to me, just seeing the way it truly influences people.

So I have been watching the 2009 nominations. I am almost done, despite the documentaries, which will be impossible to find. I got an awesome deal at the movie store this week and rented 5 movies. So far I have watched The Princess and the Frog and Invictus. I still have Nine and The Messenger. I also rented Brothers which will probably be nominated for one this year.

 The Princess and the Frog was so cute. I love Disney movies and this one was like the old classics. What was so neat about it was that it was set in the US. It was in New Orleans and sort of modern. I loved the graphics and design, and the music was endearing.

Invictus was based on a true story. I can't say I watched this movie intently, but I did love the way it showed a country uniting over sports. Rugby no less. It was inspiring to see how people really can achieve things together. My favorite line from the movie, "I can't see how a man can spend 15 years in prison and come out ready to forgive the same people who put him in there." Needless to say, I plan on reading more about Nelson Mandela.

Hopefully from now on I will be able to write about movies on Tuesdays.

The Last Round of Gifts

For the last few days of Christmas I got Zach these gifts. He LOVES honey bourbon, so I am letting him indulge in his favorite kind.

He didn't have any photos of us in his apartment and he wanted some so I put together a collage.




















I gave him a voucher to go to the humane society. We can go anytime to walk the dogs. We can't afford our own so we can at least give some love to the ones who don't have a home.

Lastly, I bought him some cologne. Kind of a boring gift but we both really like the scent.

So there it is, 25 days of Christmas!!! A little easier than I thought it would be.